“They ate 301, averaging more than 14,000 calories per person —- all for $5 each.”—That’s 301 as in 301 pancakes, consumed by seven teenage boys attempting to get the most out of Denny’s all-you-can-eat pancakes promotion. And I find myself torn between disgust for their gluttony and admiration for their willingness to take full advantage of Denny’s policy. I think the latter wins out.
That’s comedian Jim Norton bragging to the New York Post about his babe lair in a Donald Trump apartment building. The Post details how many men are able to seduce women thanks to their Manhattan luxury apartments. And if you look like Jim Norton, you need every square foot you can get.
“Moviemaker George Lucas says he has 50 hours worth of scripts for the long-anticipated “Star Wars” live-action TV series already shot — but is awaiting a technological breakthrough before the show can make it to TV.”—That’s from a report from the New York Post about a proposed series from Lucas that would take place between the ”Episode III” and “Episode IV” films (Episode III.V?). And it’s just like Lucas to concentrate more on the technology involved than stuff like, I don’t know, the script and characters.
“The macho maids dutifully swept the litter off Strauss-Kahn’s sidewalk, polished his windows and took out his garbage — looking about as alluring as your average building super.”—
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is hanging in TriBeCa, serving out his house arrest for allegedly sexually assaulting a maid in a hotel. The notorious womanizer now seems to be taking extra precautions with his cleaning staff, by hiring only male housekeepers (The Post described them as “blue-collar dudes who look like plumbers.”)
“In the morning he would read the Bible with another coach. Then, in the afternoon, he would go out and cheat kids who had probably saved up money from mowing lawns to buy those raffle tickets. That’s Jim Tressel.”—That’s an anonymous former colleague of now-fired Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel, detailing one of the many, many, many allegations about Tressel thrown down by Sports Illustrated writer George Dohrmann, allegations that led to his ouster yesterday. And between the mess of violations committed by Ohio State and the likes of USC, it makes you wonder why the NCAA even bothers to try and establish any kind of amateur integrity in college athletics.
And I must say, I’m a little sad there’s not gonna be an American Idol Judge Hot Stove League this offseason. Sometimes that’s more fun than the show itself. Axl Rose as the fourth judge? Why, yes! HOW CAN IT FAIL?!
“Pete Rose was on 97.5 in Philly yesterday and was asked if he suspects that he’ll be inducted into the Hall of Fame after he’s dead. His response:
“Well I think that would probably to be honest with you piss a lot of people off if that’s the way it was. I mean it’s just reminds me of this year. Okay all of a sudden Detroit is a retiring Sparky’s [Anderson] number. Well Sparky died several months ago. He was retired for 18 or 19 years. Why don’t you do it while he is around, so he can enjoy it? Those are the kind of things that drive you crazy.”—
Well, in your case Pete, the reason you won’t be inducted while you’re alive is because most people don’t WANT you to enjoy that moment. That’s your punishment. Now take it like a man.
“These athletes today are all wussified… I’ve been saying LeBron’s been the best player in the league for three years. And I say one thing criticizing The Decision, and I get a phone call from Nike saying why don’t I like LeBron? It’s interesting how this [expletive] works. These groups today, if you don’t say 100 percent positive about their guy or their team, they overreact.”—That’s the magnificent Charles Barkley saying that Nike asked him to be nicer to company spokesman LeBron James. I wanna marry Charles, this quote is so devastatingly accurate. It’s an entire generation of ballers that’s seemingly allergic to criticism.
Roger Goodell Grows Lamer By The Second. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said in a conference call that NFL season ticket holders are in favor of an 18-game season. And what he doesn’t mention is that the reason they prefer an 18-game season is because they’re often forced to buy worthless preseason game tickets when purchasing regular season game tickets, so essentially Goodell is using the fact that his owners regularly rip customers’ wallets as a way of trying to curry favor with the general public in the current NFL lockout. -DM
“Boy, was he excited when the scripts started coming in. You ever wonder why he thanked Quentin [Tarantino] on the back of In Utero? Quentin asked him to play Eric Stoltz’s part in Pulp Fiction. You can ask Quentin that, because it’s true.”—Kurt Cobain In “Pulp Fiction”? It nearly happened. Well, it nearly did if you believe Courtney Love, who claims her late husband was offered the role of Lance, which eventually ended up in Eric Stoltz’s hands. Of course, Love could tell you the current time and temperature and you’d still feel compelled to double check all nearby watches and thermometers.
“What’s a bigger mystery box than a movie theater? You go to the theater, you’re just so excited to see anything — the moment the lights go down is often the best part.”—That’s “Super 8” director JJ Abrams in a compelling profile from New York Times writer Frank Bruni. And you can twist that quote if you like into a rather damning indictment of movies today, because what happens after the lights go down is usually so horribly disappointing. “Super 8” needs to deliver AFTER the lights go down, and I suspect Abrams knows it.
“Permanent exhibits on slavery would be snug between two sacred white memorials to founding fathers George Washington and Thomas Jefferson — both slaveholders. Awkward!”—
That’s the Root’s Natalie Hopkinson on the National Museum of African American History and Culture integrating “Washington, D.C.’s whitest address.” Earlier this month, Virginia Rep. Jim Moran protested federal support for ethnic museums, calling them un-American. Moran implied that white people might not go to a black museum. Such a position overlooks the fact that the National Museum of African Art already pulls in a racially diverse crowd.
“You live amongst hip coffee shops, with white people where white people never dared to go before and patronize yoga studios that were once corner stores. Face it: you’re a gentrifier.”—
Do you get a prize with that? Why, yes, and that would be guilt. DCentric’s Elahe Izadi describes it as a feeling that “can be almost akin to white guilt – your very existence can make you feel bad.” To help guide you through the DC hipster haze, Izadi has “five ways to be a good gentrifier”. Shockingly, get rid of your “take me seriously” glasses did not make the list. What do you think of the tips?
“The closest to fruition is “The Casebook of Victor Frankenstein,” about “the youthful days of Frankenstein, who begins experimenting with corpses,” which sounds like fun for the whole family, but there are a bunch more.”—Will Leitch at Yahoo! notes that Hollywood is currently developing a number of Frankenstein-related projects. And, like the three (!) Snow White movies currently moving forward, these are all driven by the fact that the idea is public domain and therefore free. So not only is Hollywood unoriginal, they’re also cheap. HOORAY!
“What’s the matter with an em dash or two, you ask?—or so I like to imagine. What’s not to like about a sentence that explores in full all the punctuational options—sometimes a dash, sometimes an ellipsis, sometimes a nice semicolon at just the right moment—in order to seem more complex and syntactically interesting, to reach its full potential? Doesn’t a dash—if done right—let the writer maintain an elegant, sinewy flow to her sentences?”—
Here’s a writer from Slate doing a very Slate thing and outlawing the em dash. And there’s nothing more annoying than writers declaring certain writing techniques as verboten, because if it feels right to use a stupid em dash, then that’s what you should do—no matter what anyone says.
“The Hangover Part II" is a dour, cynical rushjob of a movie that, if you enjoyed the first film (like I did), I can’t recommend you avoid strongly enough.”—That’s Yahoo! critic Will Leitch here to give you the depressingly inevitable news that "The Hangover Part II" is terrible. And it’s now official: “Super 8” needs to be the greatest movie ever made, or else 2011 will end up being the single worst year in the history of film. Even the year “RoboCop 2” came out was better.
“It’s not just disaffected Newsweek vets doing the grumbling, either. The novelist Tobias Wolff was asked to write a story for the magazine. But Brown published a similar piece by Jonathan Chait instead and offered to run Wolff’s online. “I wouldn’t have worked so long and hard on something” for it to run only on The Daily Beast, says Wolff.”—
As you can see from this Adweek article about Newsweek’s harried editorial practices, it’s rather easy to rattle writers who feel that having their article printed lends their words more authority than when it’s thrown up online to the same audience. If writers love anything more than money, it’s prestige, baby.
“That’s really funny because, if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, “Come sit down.” So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, “I think it’s time for you to leave now.” So I say, “January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f——-g be nice,” and I got up and left.”—That’s comedian/actor Zach Galifianakis telling ShortList magazine about an encounter he had with “Mad Men” star January Jones. And I’d like to think all private conversations between celebrities are as awkward and hostile as the one depicted above. It makes me feel better about myself.
“Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines.”—That’s a representative for Arnold Schwarzenegger saying the former governor of California has postponed all upcoming Hollywood projects in order to deal with his love child scandal. That presumably includes “The Governator,” a horrible collaboration between Arnold and comic book legend Stan Lee that was to be an animated version of Arnold’s life, complete with a Maria Shriver character. So while I feel for Arnold’s family, I’m very happy for the rest of the world, which won’t be subjected to that particular piece of dreck.
“There’s nothing more terrifying, to me at least, than looking at one’s food, and seeing on it larval insects. I gagged. I gagged again. I threw out the food in the dumpster immediately, and took out the bag and dumped it in the skip outside my building. Then I made myself vomit for an hour. This, my friends, was one of the worst experiences of my life. Well, Rob Marshall’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” was worse.”—That’s Turkish movie reviewer Ali Arkan with what will most certainly be the most negative review (WARNING: strong language) of the new “Pirates” movie that you’ll ever see (our reviewer didn’t like it either). And while it’s too bad the movie stinks, it’s heartening to see that people can still get very worked up over lazily made commercial vehicles. WE STILL HAVE STANDARDS! HOORAY!
“My mom has told me directly that I’m not going to get into heaven. At first it was really upsetting, but it’s what she honestly believes.”—That’s 16-year-old Grace Haddad of Middletown, MD. And while you’re busy making Rapture jokes, this New York Times article profiles some of the people, like the Haddads, who are quite serious about the world ending tomorrow. Read it and the whole thing stops being funny and starts being disturbing in a hurry.
“I wanted to have a barbecue. I think if the world ends it will be really funny to have a bunch of my friends drinking Corona in Astoria.”—
That’s local Kyle McGovern, who—like nearly everybody, it seems—is throwing a rapture party. The end of the world is supposed to begin tomorrow. I have a wedding. I hope I make it through the cocktail hour.
Yesterday the city released the list of 20 firehouses slated for closure in July (this city is running a little low on cash.) The list includes eight in Brooklyn, three in the Bronx, three in Manhattan, two on Staten Island, and four in Queens. Damn, you might be saying, that’s a lot of firehouses! Depressing! But wait—here’s something even more depressing; on the list is the Ghostbusters firehouse. The North Moore Street building is practically a landmark, and when people aren’t outside taking photos in front of it the firefighters inside are actually fighting fires. But money’s money. Perhaps to pave the way for a Harold Ramis museum? It would be the only upside.
Do you have a crapload of cash burning a hole in your pocket? Do you like booze? Do you like historic swindlers? Then I’m guessing you were one of the people who participated in yesterday’s Bernie Madoff Alcohol Auction. While Madoff was a high-rollin’ cheater, he also had a taste for the average, judging by his bottles of Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels, which is what I buy for house parties when I try to look generous. Nine bottles of those two went for $500, while tiny airline-size bottles of various alcohols sold for $300. All proceeds will go to the victims of Madoff’s fraud. And the booze purchasers will annoy their party guests with “GUESS WHO THIS BOTTLE OF TANQUERAY ORIGINALLY BELONGED TO?” stories all summer long.
Shake Shack Wins Fatally Flawed Burger Title Bout: The people at Serious Eats conducted a very thorough taste test in order to figure out who makes the best burger between In-N-Out, Five Guys, and Shake Shack. The problem is that they sampled all three burgers AFTER REHEATING THEM, and thus I declare their study INVALID! INVALDISO!!!
“I am not questioning the horror of sexual abuse. It is an unspeakable horror. But unfortunately, in this day and age of the celebrity book, it has become a virtual cliche, a marketing tool to sell something. Which only diminishes the impact upon those who have actually suffered so terribly at the hands of it.”—That’s my favorite crazy person on Twitter, Buzz Bissinger, wondering aloud on The Daily Beast if Sugar Ray Leonard strategically withheld a stunning personal revelation in order to sell books. And while that may seem like a cynical and lousy thing to do, I actually think it’s quite empowering, because why not take a negative part of your history and turn it into something that benefits you?
“About one out of every 14 programs downloaded by Windows users turns out to be malicious, Microsoft said Tuesday. … about 5 percent of users ignore [browser] warnings and download malicious Trojan horse programs anyway.”—
Network World is reporting that many people are becoming victimized by something called “social engineering attacks,” in which phishers get you to unwittingly agree to download evil malware. You know what? NEVER DOWNLOAD ANYTHING. Ever. You won’t be missing anything if you don’t see that puppy juggling video.
“What can I say? I understand Hitler…I sympathize with him a bit.”—That’s pretentious Danish film director Lars Von Trier who took time away from making unwatchable films to declare himself a Nazi at the Cannes Film Festival. And as John Galliano recently proved, you can be as eccentric an artist as you please until the Hitler references start coming out.